Monday, July 03, 2006

Donations & Donators

Mr J Walker, Bushey has pledged £0.25.
"I would love to go to Paris, but I can't stand the French. Thanks to you I can enjoy your photos and not have to put up with all that garlic."

Barry the Panda, Camden, London has pledged £5.
"I've never been ski-ing before and this will pay for you to break my leg for me. Thanks."

Live Your Wildest Dreams

Are you sick of emails selling you tablets that will enhance your love life? Tired of spam from the benefactor of a recently deceased African warlord? Guilt-trip emails from poor sods dying of a rare disease bringing you down? Weary of graphic photos of small children with no limbs begging for specialist paintbrushes so they can strap one to their leg stump and knock off a sketch of their dying (blind) granny?

So much pain in the world - but where to donate that spare cash?

Perhaps I can help.

There is too much negativity in this world without a complete stranger emailing you their tragic tale that leaves you quids out. There aren't enough hours in the day to worry about other peoples' problems, when you have your own hassles to endure.
For some, it's work, work, work and there isn't even enough time for a holiday.

Now that's stress!

And so, dear reader, let me take this opportunity to introduce myself and, in one fell swoop, help.

You see, I am a lazy bastard.


Workshy, if you will.

But I can offer something more meaningful - something that touches your heart - something that can allow you to live your dreams, through me.

Something magical.

With your money, I will holiday all year round - at your expense - and celebrate, on your behalf, the sheer insouciance of life.

How many times have you stared from your office window at the birds fluttering by and wished that you could share the utter freedom that envelopes their lives? But no. Deadlines, deadlines, deadlines! It never stops!
The boss needs a report by lunchtime, the customer needs a response by's a nightmare!
But - for just £1,500 - I can holiday in Hawaii for up to two weeks and send you a postcard.
Just think. With your donation, I can regularly email you an 'Aloha' along with photos of my once-in-a-lifetime holiday in the beautiful land of sun, sea and surf.

And you don't need to worry about a thing!

'Where did I leave the passport?'
Leave it to me. I won't forget.
'Owww! A jellyfish has just stung my scrotum/breast'
Let me deal with the pain. You sit back and relax. The agony is excruciating - but you can rest well in the knowledge that my pain is your gain.
'My cocktail is slightly warm!'
Now, let me deal with this one. Problems come and problems go - but this is one you can cast aside and let me cope with.

Perhaps you've always wanted to go ski-ing but are worried about the dangers?
Bears regularly tear human flesh from the flailing limbs of the inexperienced skier. Frostbite has killed hundreds of Alpine fanatics. The brightness of the sun upon the snow has upset many a crossword fan.
It's too risky.

But - for only £350 - I will submit myself to the rigours of the snow and post the resulting pictures for your enjoyment.

Just think. From the comfort of your own home, I can thoroughly enjoy myself without risk to you or your purse. Think of the hospital bills I've already saved you!

Gibraltar can be dangerously hot. About £1,000 hot. The tax free wine is as tempting to you as the spider's web is to the fly.
But - I promise you - it will only end in tears.

You don't deserve the stress of a barbary ape nipping at your ankles and spilling your sixteen bottles of Baileys into the sea. Why should you have to put up with that?
You shouldn't. I should.

Those ultra cheap cigarettes you bought for Uncle Simon a little abrasive on his throat?
Save Simon the anguish. I'll smoke them all for him.

All those Spaniards.
Leave them to me.


Let me break this down in simple terms for you.
For you (via me) to enjoy the holiday of a lifetime needn't cost an arm and a leg. With your donations, I can live your wildest dreams without the associated hassle and post our holiday snaps of me for you to enjoy.

Our payments are very easy.

Based on donations from 25,000 people:


will pay for me to swank it up in the Ritz, London. I'll eat like a king. I'll dine with minor celebrities. I'll dance with David Frost.
I might even take in a show later on.
A song, a dance - we never know.

We'll see how I feel.


will pay for a delightful weekend in Paris, France. I'll drink the finest wines for you, munch the most succulent of French cuisine and post every last photo for you to enjoy.

Worried about food poisoning?
Don't be. You lay back and relax. I'll vomit up all that French food.


New York!
City of dreams!
The Big Apple!
Land of hope and glory!
Everyone dreams of me visiting the beautiful city of New York, but few get the opportunity for me to do so - and the time.

Is this you?

Well, send £5.00 and your dream can come true. I can visit your dreamland.

Just think. No worries about terrorism on the flight over. Whilst I'm on the plane you can gaze at - and I'll post a picture when I arrive.
"We are not afraid" it will say - and, by 'we' - I mean 'you and me'

The city that never sleeps can be a daunting prospect for some.
'Will we get everything in?'
'Will we get to see The Dakota?'
'What if it rains?'

Relaaaaax. You're at home. You're warm and safe.
Thanks to your donation, I'll be cautiously testing everything for your enjoyment. The wine. The champagne. The beef jerky.


Who hasn't marvelled at the miracles of the Pyramids? The golden sand? The Valley of the Kings?
Well I haven't - and neither have you. But we can't both go can we? You don't have the time. Send me, I'll take my camera and I'll have the holiday of a lifetime for you.

£20 Hawaii. Top quality, high res photos assured.

£50 Round the world cruise. Postcards and high res photos guaranteed.

£100 On Safari Special. The heads of as many wild animals posted 1st class to your doorstep (subject to customs, bullets and stealth)

For details of payment, please keep checking or email